Of Billingsgates, Grawlixes, and Tuna–Nosed Donkeypeddlers
by spoonerdog123
Summary: Axisshipping (Seto X Siegfried) round for the YGO Fanfiction Contest, Season 9 3/4, Round 2... and surprisingly enough, it's neither AU nor total crack.


**Warnings:** A lot of insults and swearwords get tossed around… though probably not the ones you're thinking of. They are meant to be more hilarious than they are insulting, so there'll be likely a few terms you'll have never heard of, plus a great deal which I pretty much made up on the spot. The language is certainly very _colourful_ – but it is not composed of crude four–letter words. Unless they're things like "titi", which is obviously a small South American arboreal monkey and nothing _else._

Please don't try to read this while drinking/eating – you may end up spluttering it everywhere, in which case 'I told you so' will come into play.

**Length:**Clocks in at 4500–ish words, though that's probably due to the rather large amount of swearing. At any rate, it's way longer than what I'd normally attempt, likely because I had such a great time writing it.

Oh, and the footnotes plus the Unneccessary Author's Babble are a little over 1100 words combined.

**Time Period: **This is set in a weird blend of the 4kids anime and the manga, and takes place sometime before Battle City, but after Duelist Kingdom. I used details from both sources, so hope you enjoyed pulling that apart.

**Handicap: **Okay, I'd better define this: I like to experiment with things and challenge myself every time I write a oneshot. To make sure that I do exactly that, I always impose a handicap on myself. I've decided to start showing what they are – there's no rule against doing that, and you might get a kick out of it… as they're always somewhat weird.

So, my handicap this time round:_"I will not under any circumstances show the actions, thoughts, name, or speech of any character bar one. I may only give the dialogue of other characters through non–face–to–face things, such as emails or letters."_

**Feedback:** Is always appreciated. Providing it isn't something like "UR FIC SUKS STUFF U", I'll be happy – I already flame myself, so there's no reason for my needing any more of it. Respectful concrits are much–liked. I had a lot of issues with the *ahem* _unusual_ formatting of this fic, so any opinion on that would be nice…

In addition, there's a few secret messages and hidden YGO characters scattered through this fic – can you find them all?

* * *

**Of Billingsgates, Grawlixes, and Tuna–Nosed Donkeypeddlers**  
_  
Because the illustrious author happens to believe that her readers are not so well–versed as she, she will now define absolutely every capitalized word in the title… _

_…and yes, she's an arrogant camel–breathed sausagepurse, she knows that already._

**_Billingsgate:_**_ Coarsely abusive language; otherwise known as 'profanity'. The word comes from a fish market in London which was renowned for its merchants' vulgar language. Incidentally, this language was quite dainty compared to the sort of language you see around on The Internet today._  
_Pro tip: Use with other delicate–sounding words, or you will sound just like the author: a blathering idiot._

**_Grawlix: _**_A practice in cartoons where the author uses symbols ('grawlixes') instead of words to show profanity.  
Pro tip: When angered on The Internet, don't stoop to the enemy's level! Instead, use those random things that show up when you hit Shift with any of the number keys to badmouth someone in good, grawlixing style. #$%*!  
_  
**_Tuna–Nosed Donkeypeddler:_**_ You don't even wanna know. An insult so horrible that it didn't even make it into the muck–pit known as The Internet… until now.  
Pro tip: For best results, direct at teachers about to give you detention – or better still, a boss about to fire you. They will be laughing too hard to actually carry out their threat, allowing you to make a daring escape._

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The almighty CEO sat in front of the humming screen, back ramrod straight against the ancient wheelie chair. Fingers flickering over the keys, he easily made his way through the mess of sites and links, until he found what he was looking for: black text blinking against a white background. 'Twas the nowadays famous chatroom of the 'Curse You, Kaiba!' webpage, where upset users would login from all over the world for the express purpose of mocking and cursing Kaiba Corp. Thanks to some careful manipulating of other groups, well–placed advertising, and the highly enjoyable practice of stomping on all competitors, this website had become _the _place for the so–called 'haters' to gather.

Exactly the way its creator liked it.

This was all an elaborate ruse, of course – by seeing what people said was wrong with his company, Seto Kaiba himself could correct those things. In a nutshell, it was free advice – and he liked the word 'free'. The site saved him some serious money on advisors, and it was often more accurate in its predictions than anyone could have expected – a veritable goldmine, if you were willing to dig through a very large pile of rock and dirt.

However, as with any of the CEO's plans, there were always at least two sides. In this case, he made sure that after a few months of being allowed to rant and complain and explain just how much better they could run Kaiba Corp, the most vocal members of the group would… shall we say, _disappear_ for several days. Whenever this happened, those people always left nothing behind, no explanation; when they came back online, they appeared to be suddenly rather unenthusiastic, quickly fading into obscurity. Little did the other members know that it was Seto Kaiba's own – somewhat unwilling – men behind those usernames now.

Needless to say, this was the sort of plan that made the good/evil/whatever alignment CEO rather pleased with himself, for he loved to play the part of the puppet-master. If nothing else, Seto Kaiba was a control freak; he loved the feeling of having the upper hand in any situation, and lived for the next moment of victory. The chatroom had become another place for him to sate his thirst – there were evenings the brunette would actually chuckle at his own genius as he delicately pulled the strings, and made his little characters dance. He'd never thought that something so trivial could be so very satisfying, so engrossing…

*** **SABE KITOA **is online.***

A slight smile; and not a nice one. "Heh."

No–one had ever figured out that anagram, even though he'd used exactly the right number of letters in the two names, and had even given his alias the same initials as his own. To the creator of the username, it was almost painfully obvious that Sabe Kitoa rearranged gave you Seto Kaiba – and yet none of the members had picked up on it. Kaiba knew he was probably risking detection by doing this; but the CEO liked to push the limits a little, just to show that he could. It was a challenge for the brunette, a mind game he played with the oblivious users – and it felt simply _beautiful_ after yet another round had finished in his favour, when yet another member of the group disappeared thanks to their own stupidity.

**DRAGONMASTER64:** Hey, Sabe!

Ah, Dragonmaster64; this one had apparently been ridiculed by the great man himself. They loved to prattle on and on about how much they hated the CEO, and would wax lyrical on the subject, given the chance. All Seto Kaiba really cared about was that this user was currently one of the more active ranters, one who had been here a while – this person would surely be taking a little trip to the bottom of Domino Bay soon enough… and just to make it all the more ironic, they had gotten to be one of Sabe's best buddies in the chatroom, much like all the other active ranters before them. The phenomena was understandable enough – for Sabe Kitoa was a true veteran of the group, kind and polite, always listening to the rants, and quietly agreeing with practically everything that was said against the company. Kaiba had invented the character himself, and had been sure to include traits that any internet–going nutcase would find attractive. **(1)**

Casting an idle eye over the other happenings of the chatroom, he went to type a quick, cheery reply, in exactly the manner that Sabe Kitoa would…

*****ZIGGY** is online.***

Kaiba changed his mind at that, and paused instead to have a sip from his glass, professionally stifling the giggles threatening to work their way out. He couldn't understand why people had to give themselves such dumb usernames, but it was always amusing to see a new one – yet another sucker walking into the elaborate trap he had set.

**ZIGGY: **I am here to complain about that dastardly knave, Seto Kaiba!

**DRAGONMASTER64:** Lol, we all are. Just say why.

**ZIGGY:** In a nutshell, that froward **(2)** stole the Solid Vision technology from me.

The brunette's blood ran cold; almost as cold as the iced water in his cup. He'd seen literally hundreds of complaints here, but never something like this, and worse still – it rang true for him. Several years ago, Seto Kaiba had seen that arrogant university student's papers for the technology, his photographic mind easily holding every detail. He had taken the designs back to his office, safely stowed away in his head, and copied them out onto paper. There had been a few aesthetic changes between the teenager's model and the one which had made Kaiba Corp so famous, but the core technology was identical. Seto Kaiba had to admit it – the student was an absolute genius, for his design worked perfectly. It had made Kaiba Corporation rather a lot of money ; stolen money, he supposed, but money all the same.

Dragonmaster64, however, had a very different reaction to this:

**DRAGONMASTER64:** Pull the other one! XDD

**ZIGGY:** You honestly think that _I_ would joke, Herr Dragondumbo?

**DRAGONMASTER64:** Hey, cool it! I don't know you properly yet!

**ZIGGY:** If you knew my true name, you would be shaking in your shoes – for I am far more powerful than any of you weakling runts could possibly imagine.

**DRAGONMASTER64:** Lol, you sound like Kaiba. Sure you're not him?

In any other situation, Kaiba might have sniggered at Ziggy's indignant response to this comment, and the resulting petty argument – but not today. If what Ziggy had typed was true, it didn't spell good news for Kaiba Corp, at all. If the user had proof, and he chose to sue, then Kaiba Corp as a whole was in some serious trouble.

_If _he had proof.

Sabe Kitoa looked for an opening in the 'discussion', which was the Internet's way of saying 'all–out slanging match'. Surprisingly enough, the newcomer was not only holding his ground, he was actually _winning_:

**ZIGGY:** There is only one word for dirt like you: Nincompoop.

**DRAGONMASTER64:** Oh yeah? Well, I know lots of words for you! Bastard! Moneybags!

**ZIGGY:** I suppose, if I were to dip into my vocabulary, I could find a few more terms. 'Bootlicker' has a nice ring to it, as does its friend 'Lickspittle'. 'Milksop' would also suit you well… but perhaps 'Ignoramus' is the best.

**DRAGONMASTER64:** What the heck does that last one mean?

**ZIGGY:** Idiot.

**DRAGONMASTER64:** Right back at ya, dumbwad!

**ZIGGY:** You _are _fatuous, aren't you?

**DRAGONMASTER64:** Translation from fancy–pants gibberish, please.

**ZIGGY:** You're such an idiot, aren't you?

**DRAGONMASTER64:** Well, you're an even bigger idiot! You're such an idiotically idiotic idiot that I'm surprised the world hasn't yet exploded due to your idiot–ness! Failmiser! Misery–guts! And also, idiot!

**ZIGGY:** _Please. _I can think of much better than that: You are, in no uncertain terms, an absolutely insufferable , disgustingly impertinent, logger–headed, half–faced, hell–hated, idle–headed, motely–minded, dog–hearted, fly–whacked, swamp–loined, hamster–draped, drunken–witted, hedge–born, common–kissing, dog-drooling, dismal-dreaming, sheep-biting, gleeking, mewling, fobbing giglet.

**DRAGONMASTER64:** Then you're a…

A pause; Kaiba couldn't tell whether it was for dramatic effect or simply because Dragonmaster was having issues with his Internet connection; or more likely, having troubles coming up with a suitable profanity. But just as Sabe was about to slide neatly into the 'discussion'–

**DRAGONMASTER64:** Barbeque–caked meatwaffle!  
**  
ZIGGY:** That only makes me snigger.  
**  
DRAGONMASTER64: **Huh! It makes roughly as much sense as your showy-off chain of insults, gummy-knuckled jellysnake.  
**  
ZIGGY: **Try again, oh most esteemed Herr Dragondweeb, Chairman of the Order of Dunces. I am so honored to be in the presence of such a loquacious, jarring, wayward, earth–vexing, flap–mouthed, fen–sucked, clapper–clawed, crook–pated, beetle–headed, pigeon livered clotpole. Tell me, are you always this unintelligent, or are you making a special effort today?

Kaiba felt a sort of grudging respect for this 'newbie'. It was hard to best Dragonmaster64 in an insults match – and yet Ziggy had sent the other user absolutely reeling, seemingly with little effort. Much as he would have liked to have seen the abuse go even further, the CEO knew that a chance to enter the conversation was at hand; and so he took it by the horns:

**SABE KITOA:** Do you have any proof, Ziggy?

The response was lightning–quick – as though the new person had been waiting for someone to ask, for an opportunity to show the world his evidence.

**ZIGGY:** For your perusal: [link]

The brunette blinked, stunned – sure enough, the link led to a hastily scanned picture of those plans he'd seen that morning, all those years ago... and worse still, a stamped and numbered patent certificate. Kaiba's mind raced faster than it ever had in any of his duels, his left fingers gripping the armrests of his chair just as hard as the right fingers held the mouse.

_Not good. If he uses this on me…_

The chatroom burbled to itself, the virus checker whined futilely to warn its user of impending doom; but Kaiba could only stare as the text scrolled before his eyes, now in a light daze.

_My company… everything…_

_Gone…_

These documents could threaten everything he'd worked so hard for; his brother Mokuba, his wealth, his possessions, Kaiba Corp itself, his fearsome reputation… The list went on and on – and to make matters worse, all of these things could be potentially destroyed by someone called Ziggy. He'd be the laughing stock of the corporate world!

Getting desperate, the virus alarm attempted to sound and ruin the moment of highly dramatic tension, stupid little yellow box popping up and tap–dancing on his desktop. It wasn't even worth a properly improper insult – so the CEO quickly pressed the 'X' in the corner. It tried again, and the CEO easily countered with a flick of his wrist, then returned the attack with a one–two 'Disable Firewall', followed up by a 'Uninstall' to the CPU a moment later… and it was done. Kaiba grunted in satisfaction, watching it die away with the blue of the InstillSheildWizzzerd – the thing was pretty useless anyway, and trying to sabotage his moment with an annoying plot device had been the last straw…

**ZIGGY:** What do you think of the documents?

Kaiba snapped out of his monologue with a jolt, keyboard clacking.

**SABE KITOA:** Clearly a Photoshop.

Ziggy's response seemed to take an age, and Kaiba was forced to wait and wait, then wait some more, temper slowly fraying away at the seams. What little patience he had evaporated very quickly – by the time the text actually scrolled across his screen once more, the CEO was just about ready to stab his screen with his custom-made Blue–Eyes White Dragon USB stick in sheer frustration.

And exactly one second later, he was quite seriously considering stabbing _himself_ with the sharp spikes of the aforementioned weapon.

**ZIGGY: **Ah, of course you would deny it. By the way – have you ever heard of an anagram, Herr Sabe? I believe the word describes you quite well.

An unspoken accusation, a declaration of his own knowledge, a hidden challenge, and an ever–so–slight insult at the brunette's intelligence – all in three elegant sentences. Ziggy clearly knew Kaiba's true identity, yet was not about to simply reveal it to the world; no, this was an invitation to a mind game, and Kaiba had little choice but to accept. The CEO could have simply sent him a private message, or kicked him out – but that would be suicide, tantamount to a public confession in the eyes of the chatroom. There was no other option but to take on this Ziggy person in a battle of the minds. He set his avatar's mood to 'Angry', his neck went out into the 'Fighting Mode' position, and he even attempted to stare down the unblinking computer screen. A snarl curled his lip as he eventually had to blink and looked away, eyes watering.

He was going to _win_ this game!

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_Tragically__, Kaiba did not notice the action of the other users in the chatroom, so focused was he on his opponent. If he had stamped out the conversations during this early stage, perhaps things would have turned out differently._

_RYURAPTOR: Why are they fighting?_

_BBUGBOY: im not sure al i know iz tht ziggys got sabe._

_RYURAPTOR: Yeah, right! Ziggy's just gonna get stomped, like a dino stomps a bug!_

_BBUGBOY: no way bug wuld ttly kill dino!_

_As with the above example, most parts of the conversation quickly devolved into arguments – but not all. A few remaining embers, thrown aside by the absolute bonfire of the flamewar, continued to smolder…_

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**ZIGGY:** You seem to be taking rather a while to reply, Herr Sabe. Would you like me to explain the term 'anagram' to you, or would that bear no fruit, considering your… shall we say, _remarkable_ intelligence?

**DRAGONMASTER64:**What's an anagram?

Unwittingly, the user had saved Kaiba from a distinctly awkward response to Ziggy's question. Perhaps it was because of possible internet lag, but the two of them both answered at exactly the same time:

**ZIGGY:** Anagram = An idiot.

**SABE KITOA:** He means 'idiot'.

**DRAGONMASTER64:** Damn you, Zig–freak! **(3)** How many different words do you know for idiot?

**ZIGGY: **Plenty, Herr Dragondodo. I could call you a blockhead, a bonehead, an imbecile, a simpleton, or a schlemiel – and many more besides. Not a moron, however – an idiot is a person with a mental age of under three, whereas I believe a moron is between seven and twelve. Then of course, there are the allusions.

**DRAGONMASTER64: **…

**ZIGGY: **For instance, I could say that the greatest poets will wax lyrical about your mental deficiencies after your death – although in your case, I think they will be rendered absolutely speechless, all coming down with writer's block as soon as they clap eyes on you.

**DRAGONMASTER64: **Let me guess, that's a bad thing.

**ZIGGY:** Well done. You have graduated to "Amoeba" in terms of your mental ability.

A slight pause before the punchline, then:

**ZIGGY:** Actually, that might be somewhat insulting to the amoeba.

**DRAGONMASTER64:** Your _face_ is insulting, carrotwallop!

**ZIGGY: **A pity that your profanities are absolutely inane, Herr Dragondork… They could have really been something if they happened to make sense, as opposed to showing off your limited vocabulary.

**ZIGGY: **Anyway – I am surprised that you have not been incensed, Herr Sabe. Given that you clearly know the meaning of the word 'anagram'…

This was a gesture to begin the fight, and Kaiba was more than happy to open the first stage of the mind game Ziggy seemed to be hellbent on playing. The CEO could feel a deep anger inside him, a pure rage that now fuelled his fighting spirit. He found himself seriously wantingZiggy to show him his full power; just so that he could crush this amateur at his very best. And when he crushed the impertinent user at his own game… Well, Kaiba would have to make sure that he would be well and truly _crushed_. He smirked to himself, wondering whether he should simply tell his men to nuke the other's house as his reward, or perhaps go for something a little more demeaning.

His next sentence was hissed from between clenched teeth.

"Come at me, Ziggy. _Come at me!_"

**ZIGGY:** Well? Do you have anything to say, Herr Sabe?

**SABE KITOA:** I was simply trying to come up with something suitable... It's such a pity that there are no words terrible enough for you.

**ZIGGY:** Then you do not have a very versatile imagination – though I suppose that is to be expected of a thieving scullion. Maybe you should copy and paste some of my earlier insults, and see how that helps you.

Kaiba could hear the thumping of his heart in his throat as he replied. Ziggy _knew_ what Kaiba had done, he obviously knew, this was Very Bad News. And by Ra, was it _exciting! _He found himself on edge, slightly frustrated, working with all the strength he had – and he was enjoying every minute of it. This was the greatest game he'd ever played, ever since he'd first met that Yugi kid and the Duel Monsters had come to life – no, maybe something even better! After all: Insulting someone as creatively and wittily as you could, without giving anything away to the sideline spectators?

This.

Was.

_Awesome._

As he waited for the newest set of profanities to come in from Ziggy, the CEO idly scribbled on a piece of ragged printer paper:  
_'Draw up plan for insults tournament.'_

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_Really__, the combatants should have noticed what was going on right under their noses – but somehow, unbelievably, they didn't – even as little conversations began to appear, here, there, and everywhere. Confused users wondered why the two were fighting, cheered for one side or the other... until, eventually, a very interesting conclusion was reached by all involved. Everyone phrased it differently, but it was the 'newbie' MyValentine who summed it up first, and the best:_

_MYVALENTINE: They fight like a married couple, don't they?_

_RYURAPTOR: Wow, I think I just found my OTP!_

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On and on the insults went – ranging from Kaiba's "Pity you're only mortal. When you die, nobody will care." to Ziggy's "It seems that you are a fine example of a shining wit – ah, sorry. Are you familiar with spoonerisms?" **(4)**, with a whole bucketload of nonsense words from Dragonmaster64 thrown in for good measure. The two battlers danced around the facts like gleeful leprechauns around a pot of gold, both of them hinting at their threats, but never actually delivering, whilst Dragonmaster64 simply hurled cruel and unusual expletives at Ziggy… albeit ones with none of the 'cruel' and all of the 'unusual'.

**DRAGONMASTER64:** Put a sock in it, ya aasvogel–attacking, babirusa–bashing, chuckwalla–culling, douroucouli–dulling, eyas–enunciating, falanouc–flunking, gharial–gutting, huemul–haircutting, iiwi–impairing, jabiru–jailing, klipspringer–killing, lammergeyer–living, mangabey–murdering, nutria–nurturing, oropendola–offending, phoenicopter–penning, quaviver–quelling, rooirhebok–reselling, scanderoon–skinning, tamandua–twinging, uromastix–ululating, viscacha–violating, wapiti–whamming, xenurine–Xmasing, yowie–yelling, yellow–bellied zyzzyva! **(5)**

**ZIGGY: **The aasvogel–attacking, babirusa–bashing, chuckwalla–culling, ect, ect zyzzyva politely declines your request, and would very much like to know exactly where you got such a comprehensive animal encyclopedia from… intellectual rustbucket.

**DRAGONMASTER64:** Why, you- Pea–snouted pillowflosser! Doodle–witted prickpeddler!

**ZIGGY:** That's a very…_ creative _use of wording you have there. Why don't you show it to someone who cares?

**ZIGGY: **And to my dear Herr Sabe, have you ever considered why you have no parents? I heard that your dear mother simply couldn't cope with having a parrot–child who copied her every movement…

**SABE KITOA:** I would never stoop to the level of scum. However, it seems that you are more than willing to, oh Einstein–imitating, pseudo–intellectual, scrawny–assed schmuck.

**DRAGONMASTER64:** Allow me to relay that to you, Prince Fancypants – you're scum!

**ZIGGY:** Oh, look. Dirt that speaks – I've never seen that before. How do you use the keyboard, Herr Dragondunce?

**DRAGONMASTER64:** Hey!

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_Only__ the most loyal 'Sabers' (Sabe fans) did not back up this shipping theory – fangirls will be fangirls, and the Internet is weird. Soon, there were threads everywhere, all across the forums – and it didn't take too long for someone to give the ship a name:_

_RYURAPTOR: How about Flamewarshipping? Since that's how it all started…_

_BBUGBOY: omg u jus mad my day!_

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On the other side of the Internet, Kaiba let out a long and luxurious yawn. This was wonderful fun – but he felt it was about time he found out exactly what Ziggy wanted.

**SABE KITOA:** Is there something you desire, Ziggy?

**DRAGONMASTER64:** Yeah, ya lard–bearded tacoknocker! Why are you harassing Sabe?

**ZIGGY:** There are none of your possessions that I want, Sabe Kitoa, for I do not wish to sue or injure you. No – if I take this game, I demand your curmudgeonly pride as my reward. You stole my own pride along with my technology – thus, I desire to take yours… along with a little something else.

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_Lulz__ – no–one really knew what they were, however a great many of them were had at Ziggy's latest statement. As is customary with the internet, the word "Lol" also came into play numerous times…_

_RYURAPTOR: Hey, Sabe! Do it already!_

_BBUGBOY: yeah, go for it! LOL!_

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"What the heck?!" Kaiba drew back from his screen, sucking in air as he saw Ryuraptor's demand. A frantic search of the adjoining forums found numerous threads dedicated to "Zabelove" or "Flamewarshipping Fans" or something along those lines – and oh god, there were ipictures!/i Still feeling somewhat spiteful, he copied the URLs of the pictures into his next post:

**SABE KITOA: **Ziggy, is this your fault? [link] [link] [link]

**ZIGGY:** …I think we can agree that we both lost here.

**DRAGONMASTER64:** Interwebs 1 – Flamers 0. LOL.

**ZIGGY:**I did not wish to do this, but…

*****DRAGONMASTER64** has left the chatroom (kicked)***

**ZIGGY:**…I think you'll find that he had it coming.

And even though his security system had clearly been breached (Ziggy should have _never_ been able to do that), Kaiba couldn't help but sit back and smile. Yes, Ziggy was a total threat to his company, the user bore a serious grudge against Kaiba, they had some remarkable hacking skills – but at least they had a sense of humor, and a good flair for the dramatic, and they'd played a great game. They would make a worthy opponent for future games.

… And approximately six and a half seconds later, Kaiba's computer crashed, leaving nothing but a single sentence of white text on a blue screen in its wake. The CEO groaned, his head hitting the keyboard even as the horrible, miniaturized caricature of his beloved Blue–Eyes White Dragon came waltzing out of Kaiba's Duel Disk, delicately eating a banana and giggling madly. Kaiba winced – presuming that Ziggy had indeed been that brilliant student, he would know all about the programming of the Solid Vision System. For some strange reason, the logic of which was presumably only known to the hacker, a _second_ appeared, waggled its tongue at its master, then began to dance clumsily with the first Blue–Eyes White Dragon. The tune of "The Blue Danube Waltz" played almost tauntingly in the background, coming in eight–bit blips from Kaiba's Duel Disk. **(6)**

Ziggy had clearly been leading him by the nose the whole time. The hacker had considered all this beforehand, planned out this great big distraction, just so that _they _could hack right into KaibaCorp – and right under Kaiba's nose, too! It would certainly take the CEO several days at least, and a lot of money, to fix up the mess Ziggy had created; and that wasn't even _counting_ the several thousand Duel Disks that had gone haywire, now projecting awful cartoon versions of the cards inserted into them.

"…Curse you, Ziggy…"  
The computer screen flickered – and Seto Kaiba wished (and not for the first time) that he had never, ever learned to read secret messages in binary code. This was a parting shot from Ziggy, all right; and he'd certainly saved the best (or possibly the worst) for last:

01001001 01100110 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01100011 01100001 01101110 00100000 01110010 01100101 01100001 01100100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01110011 00101100 00100000 01101001 01110100 00100000 01110111 01101111 01110101 01101100 01100100 00100000 01100001 01110000 01110000 01100101 01100001 01110010 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01101000 01100001 01110110 01100101 00100000 01101110 01101111 00100000 01101100 01101001 01100110 01100101 00101110

01011010 01001001 01000111 01000111 01011001

They say the resulting 'Kaiba–whammy' was one of the worst ever seen – the CEO became so very much enraged that he actually began to swear himself, the profanities getting stranger with every word until he finally collapsed on the floor:

"…Brat! Git! Potty–headed, arrogant, dirty toungued nuthog! Good–for–nothing, sneaky, traitorous, backstabbing, weasel–minded scoundrel! Flap dragon! Walrus! Barbecue–nosed porkbucket!" He turned and screamed at the silent screen: "Ziggy, you leather–heeled rhinosniffer! I hope you rot in Hell, spawn of a lame breathed bacon–cleaning potatodealer, who couldn't spot a potato if it bit him on the nose! Your face would look much better if you jumped in a meat–grinder! Bet you couldn't slay a turnip if you tried! Your mother…"

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Footnotes:  
**1. **And before you anime–watchers wonder why he hasn't thrown up from the exertion of being nice: In the YGO manga, Kaiba was successfully able to pretend to be all nicey–picey to Yugi, his arch–rival. It was for several hours, face to face, and for the express purpose of stealing the fourth Blue–Eyes White Dragon.

The point is that if he can make himself do that, then he can definitely do this sort of thing on a chatroom, where no–one can see him laughing.

**2. **Froward here means obstinate or stubborn. It has nothing to do with the southernmost point of mainland South America, trust me. Oh – and before you ask why I grouped all of the chatroom dialogue together; have you ever seen a chatroom where that isn't done?

**3.** Fun fact: Zigfried/Sigfried was actually called this in the dub (episode 190). He was also called 'Ziggy' during that episode.

**4.** A 'spoonerism' is where the first _sounds_of words get swapped around (not just the first letter); for instance, "Wig Bale" could become "Big Whale" if you swapped the sounds around. So, "shining wit" becomes… yeah.

**5. **I feel that the greatest thing about this insult is that it utterly defies comprehension, unless you happen to have the mind of a dictionary – which is what makes it funny to me. However, I did follow a pattern when I created this piece of utterly despicable profanity:

– All of the nouns (the first 'a' word, first 'b' word, ect) were in fact the most bizarre animal names I could find – they range from 'aasvogel' (a South African vulture) to 'zyzzyva' (a South American weevil, and one of the few animals Word didn't redline).

– All of the verbs (as well as rhyming in pairs) have a rough or implied meaning of either 'torturing' or 'killing', though some of them don't make much sense with their literal meaning. For instance, 'xenurine–Xmasing' literally means 'a species of armadillo Christmas–ing'. You could probably interpret it as meaning "armadillo celebrating", which in the context of the insult makes even less sense than "a species of armadillo Christmas–ing". However, I wrote the original wording with the Christmas season in mind, which really can be torturous at times. Thus, the implied translation is 'armadillo–torturing'.

Here's a more understandable version of the full insult, for anyone who cares:  
**"**Shut up, you vulture–attacking, wild pig–bashing, lizard–killing, monkey–funkilling, falcon chick–badmouthing, mongoose thing–failing, Indian crocodile–gutting, deer–embarrassing, bird–maiming, stork–jailing, antelope–killing, vulture–like bird–torturing, long–tailed monkey–murdering, amphibious rodent–loving, oriole(bird)–offending, flamingo–penning, fish–stomping out, antelope–reselling, homing pigeon–skinning, anteater–hurting, lizard–torturing, rodent–violating, elk–hitting, armadillo–torturing, ewe–hurting, cowardly weevil!"

**6.** As a classical musician, I can say for sure that 'The Blue Danube' is _the_most irritating piece I've ever played in my life (second to maybe 'Waltz of the Flowers' from the Nutcracker) – and not least because the actual Danube River is a rather interesting brown colour. It's beautiful… but it's very boring to play through more than once. To be honest, it's a good ten minutes of barely anything but "Nyah na na na naaaaah *assorted squeaking noises*" repeated, with an occasional variation on the na's. You get that sort of thing stuck in your head very easily… and trust me, it's not something you really want stuck in your head.

And I kid you not, when played badly, the climax tends to sound like a bully: "Nyah na na na NAAAAAAAAH! *squeak squeak/squeak squeak* Nyah na na na NAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! *squeak squeak/squeakheywaitasecdon'tstartyetOHNOES sq–* NYAH NA NA NA NYAAAAAAAAAAAA, NA NA NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! *glass shatters at this point* NA NA NAA–NAAH NA NAAAAH NA *squawk squeak squeak*"

Ahem. Anyway, my na–ing aside, Ziggy would likely consider this Austrian piece a terrible insult, as the waltz is traditionally a German dance – and yet this piece defined a very famous genre of waltz known as the Viennese (Austrian) waltz. The implication here is that the Austrian composer Strauss 'stole' the waltz and made it famous with a slightly different name… much as Seto Kaiba stole Ziggy's technology and made it famous.

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Unnecessary Author Babble (UAB):

So, only after the first round was almost over did I discover that I was allowed to write my favourite genre for the contest. I thought that whatever I came out with had to be somehow serious or realistic, since that's what everyone else was doing. Setup was my first attempt at a straight romance – and a suitably burning train–wreck, since I am not very romantic. I was actually quite surprised no–one commented on the height of the smoke drifting above the wreckage – but then again, there's a rule against contestants flaming each other (pun fully intended, with no regrets whatsoever).

However! Thanks to a kind contestant who _had_ actually read the rules from start to finish (you know who you are), I got a heads up – and so didn't carry right on and create similarly burning train–wrecks for the next four rounds, each one even more spectacular than the last. That would have been extremely painful for me to write, not to mention exceedingly dull. And I certainly wouldn't have been happy about it. That said, I personally feel that this is likely to be seen as even worse drivel than my previous round's entry… but hey, at least I had a bloody good time writing it.

Anyway, enough of me flaunting my self–bashing, perfectionist attitude – I most enjoy writing the weird, the funny, and the goofy; in short, exactly what I did here. I know I had a ball creating this, and sincerely hope you guys enjoyed reading it at least half as much as I loved writing it. I really hope you smiled at some stage when reading this, even if it was for that ridiculous na–ing in the footnote.

If you giggled out loud or smiled when you read this… I think I'll consider my mission accomplished.

If you went through and were able to stand reading this a second time just to find all the hidden references and decode all the secret messages, I'll consider it double accomplished.

And if you laughed so hard you cried, almost died, had to stop reading at any stage, or accidentally snorted half your tea up your nose (I _told _you not to drink or eat!), then I'll consider my work here as done, and put that nagging voice to rest.

But only until the next round.


End file.
